The bartender looks up from his newspaper and says ‘you’re cut off.’
Collection of maybe the funnies Bar jokes in internet.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good. . .) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
There’s an old man in a bar who will ramble on about his life if anyone new stumbles in and sits too close to him:
‘you see that house across the street? I built that house. in fact I build a quarter of the houses in this town. but nobody calls me ‘house builder’. nobody calls me that’. he will continue to say ‘do you see those fields out there? I farmed those fields. all my life I did. but nobody calls me ‘farmer’. nobody thinks to call me that. I build all these houses. farm all these fields for so long and nobody calls me house builder or farmer’ he takes a drink before he continues.. But you go and fuck one goat…
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
‘Fishing,’ replied the old man.
‘Poor old fool’ thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?’
‘You’re the eighth.’
The CEOs of Budweiser, Coors, Killian’s, and Guinness walk into a bar and the bartender takes orders. The CEO of Budweiser says “I’ll take a Bud Light. It’s crisp, refreshing, and doesn’t hurt the budget!”
The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Coors says “I’ll take a Coors light. It’s colder, even more refreshing, and won’t give you a beer gut!”
The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Killian’s says “These guys are amateurs, give me a Killian’s Irish Red. It’s smooth, flavorful, and distinct!”
The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Guinness says “I’ll have a water.”
The others give a confused look. The bartender says “but… why aren’t you ordering a beer?”
He responds, “well, nobody else did.”
A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he’s pouring it the bartender asks “So what’s the story with the leg?”
“Well it were many a year ago,” says the pirate. “I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night.”
“That’s terrible,” says the bartender. “What about the hand?”
“Well it were the very next day,” says the pirate. “I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night.”
“Wow,” says the bartender. “So what about the eye?”
“Well it were the very next day,” says the pirate. “I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!”
“Oh man,” says the bartender. “And that blinded you?”
“Well no,” says the pirate. “But it were me first day with the hook.”
A man goes to a bar and meets an escort. After talking to her for a bit, he asks her, “Alright. Enough talk. How much is it gonna cost me for a handjob?”
“$50,” She says.
“$50 for a handjob? You’ve got to be kidding me!” He replies.
“Come over here,” She says. “See that car outside?” She points to the window. He looks out, and sees a brand new sports car.
“Wow, that looks pretty expensive.” He says.
“I bought that purely off $50 handjobs.” She replies.
The man thinks to himself, “Hell, they must be pretty good.” So he gives her $50, and sure enough, best one he’s ever had.
He goes back the next night and finds her again. After a few drinks he says, “Alright. That handjob last night was pretty good. How much for a blowjob?”
“$500.” She says.
“$500? That’s fucking ridiculous.” The man replies.
“Come here. See that house on the hill?” she says. So the man comes over, and looks out the window. Outside on the hill, he sees an immaculate mansion. Easily more than 20 rooms.
“Wow, that looks extremely expensive.” he says.
“I bought that off of $500 blowjobs.” she says.
So following suit, the man gives her $500, and sure enough, it’s the best blowjob of his entire life.
On the third night, he returns once more. “Alright,” He says. “No more playing around. How much is it gonna cost for some pussy?”
She replies, “Hell, if I had a pussy I’d own this town!”
A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger – 2.99
Cheeseburger – 3.99
Chicken Sandwich – 4.99
Hand Jobs – 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” The bartender blushes slightly and says “Yes, I am” with a sexy little smile.
The biker grins and says “Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger.”
A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar
The bartender says ” Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast here”.
So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?”
“What if you miss?”
He looks at the man, deadly serious. “I don’t miss…”
“Okay, we’ll I’ve got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They’re at the motel together right now.”
“Let’s go,” the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
“They’re in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off.”
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
“Well? What are you waiting for!?” the husband asks.
“Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000.”